I'm at that stage in my life where I feel more like being a predator than prey. It's an often threatening force, but why shy away from it?
Of course, anyone who wants a wellspring of tenderness, sensitivity and politically correct behavior probably shouldn't be tuning to me.

Yet, I don't measure my power by the ability to subordinate others. It's not that I'm not capable of tenderness;

I've demonstrated my sensitivity with people I need. I am not generally, however, a tender and compassionate person. I am who I am.
It will always be a greater thrill knowing that I always have the greater advantage, that people can't touch me, that they can't break me.

---

I am not going to be your saving grace. I am not going to be anything besides that which I already am.

---

I'll never understand why more people don't get that. You're the only one you've got, you're the only one you need...

Become the biggest success you can be. Become everything you've ever wanted, if you say something, mean it. Be polite...

Don't go out of your way to ruin others, but don't go out of your way to fix their problems either.
Don't laugh at others' misfortunes, they'll just laugh at yours. If you want something, get it. Anything worth having is worth the effort.

Learn from your enemies, eliminate competition tastefully... Most importantly, know who you are and never question it...

Not everyone will like you. Stop trying to make them. People will see the confidence you have in yourself and they'll come around.

---

No apologies. No excuses. No regrets.

---

To be nobody-but-yourself in a world that is doing its best to make you everybody else, means to fight
The hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting, but it's a battle I'll never have
To take part in. To fight conformity is like saying you're almost willing to give in. Be yourself...

---

*****

Are you forced to stop and take a breath every time you see him?

Do you know he does the same?

Are you laughing more often together then apart?

Do you think about him during the oddest parts of your day?

Does he let you know that he thinks about you too?

Do you feel completely comfortable/safe/wanted/needed whenever he's with you?
Do you make him feel the same way?

Have you ever had to doubt his feelings for you? Or questioned yours for him?
Is it just real and doesn't need discussing?

Did you know from the second you met him that he'd be the one to change your life?


If you said no to any of these questions then you'd be independent person indeed...

---

It started as a bet....a joke if you will. No one took it seriously but it planted the seed.

One of her friends was joking around with me about which brother was more fun and it escalated from there.
I'd never have thought about it if he hadn't suggested it... o,k, that's a lie, it would have crossed my mind...
So I emailed him informing him of the bet and that my intentions would be completely dishonorable.


It was his "if you make a big enough wave, you'll rock everyone's boat" comment that was the nail in the coffin.
After that email I knew how my weekend in Norwood would end.

Part of me wants to apologize for what happened, I'm stuck here wondering about these last few days...

---

This past weekend was inspirational. It put a lot of things into perspective for me.
The levels of fun aren't worth mentioning, because you had to be there...

---

*****

It's like all the other shit doesn't matter anymore because there are always other areas in life you can fall back on...

---

As I walked back to residence after an early morning class it hits me why I like university so much.
Despite everything, I still can find myself at awe with where I actually am.

I love the crunch of the snow under my feet as a walk the five minutes back to my building.

I love the sound of the construction workers and the noise the bus makes as it leaves me alone.

I love the look of Chancellors and the way it makes me feel...
I love knowing that inside there are tons of people still sleeping, even though I've already been to class and back.

I love the lady who works at the front desk and how she smiles at everyone, and everyone smiles back.

I love how the elevator is usually waiting and how despite what people say...
Strangers do like to make conversation on the ride up.

I love looking down the hall and seeing people I know, or having it completely empty.

I love entering my apartment and having it the exact same as I left it.

I love coming into my room and knowing that I feel completely at home in two different atmospheres...

---

I am totally obsessing over something that is not real. I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to control it.

It is in my head at the beginning and end of everyday. The more I think about it, the deeper it gets.
It makes everything else seem so trivial. If I can't have it what else is there to hope for?

What else will ever make me as excited, as riled or as captivated? I need it.
As lame as I know I'm sounding, if there was any tangible way of showing what it means to me,
You'd be in the exact same position. You'd know the kind of mental game I'm playing with myself. I play to win...

---

Sometimes we're so busy trying not to be touched that we end up crashing into each other...

---

I've had one thing on my mind for two weeks and I can't get it out of my head.
It's a constant in the back of my brain, motivating me to do certain things, to say certain things, to act certain ways.
And I'm enjoying it. I have always been the kind of person that once an idea gets in my head, I usually follow it through at all costs.

Now I have this new project in motion. And I'm excited about it yet at the same time scared.
It will open doors but now all I can do to contain my excitement is get involved in every other possible situation.
But I'm afraid that I will say something too soon and lose it all.

Go out and do it. Experience it, live it, abide by it.

Kinnetic is and will always be the force that drives every carnal instinct that lives within me. I cannot escape it's power.
I feel its presence at uni, it finds me alone at night, I let it absorb me when I'm with you. It cannot be stopped. You cannot control it.
The longer you try, the more forceful it will be when it gets out. It is a soul shaking, mind blowing, purely lustful relationship.

Why am I thinking about it? Why can't I live it? It's like I'm on fire but standing on a frozen lake.
If God had wanted me to be on ice, he would have made me a vodka martini instead of making me this way. It doesn't make sense to me.

Why have I surrounded myself with people who don't think the same way as I do?
I want it so badly but it's like I'm too afraid of the judgement. I need to be invisible. This is not bad, I will not feel like I have a dark secret.

---

Listening to: Gwen Stefani - Don't speak

---

If I could be anything right now I'd be a werewolf from cursed I'd have the strength to rip out my own lungs and watch them stop working.
It hurts just to breathe, and when I cough I actually think I'll pass out... I need someone to hold my hand because I'm starting to freak out...

---

I read another book. I started it when I got home from college and almost finished it when my mom left for work,
I guess it took about...3 1/2 or 4 hours, which is pretty good result.

I was so mad at my mom. I always get in a "mood" after reading, so I'm really quiet and I just think to myself.
But my mom would not stop talking. Seriously, it was just one comment after another, about completely random things.

I was so frustrated. I was trying to make it obvious that I didn't want to talk without actually saying I didn't want to talk
(Otherwise she'd ask what's wrong, and I'd say nothing, but she'd keep bothering me and bothering me until I screamed).

She clearly didn't get the hint.

I don't know if that's a good idea though. I mean, reading a book three days in a row...It would be a good idea to pace myself.
Then again, I've read 5 books in a week before. Maybe 6? I'm not sure, but at least 5. I've done that a couple times...

It's never a good idea to read that much at once, even though it feels great at the time.
Anyways, I definitely need to pace myself since I can't buy more books anytime soon.

I need a job...

I just...I don't know where I want to work. And it has to be somewhere I like, otherwise I'll never be able to go through with it.

Are there part-time jobs where you don't have to work with people but you're not just doing filing and organizing like that???

Probably not.

I guess I can be a good listener, but it's not like I can get people to pay me so I'll listen to their problems.
I have no right to do that. I don't always know if what I'll say can help them or not, or even what to say.

Anyways, I prefer helping people for free. I need to work somewhere where there's a small(er) chance I won't get a panic attack.
That's why I definitely cannot work in a store. I've bad experiences with those things...
Too many people, too many ways they could react, too many things that could go horribly, terribly wrong...

---

I don't know why I'm writing about all of these things. It's terrible, because in my thoughts it's like I'm always typing things out.

I'm always writing about everything that's going on. Suddenly in my head I'm explaining things like I explain here...
It's a constant thing... It doesn't go away... Sometimes I'll get distracted from my thoughts, but sometimes distractions don't even work...

---

I don't know how to turn my thoughts off. They won't leave me alone. It's like they are on max volume all the time...

---

Listening to: Gwen Stefani - Cool

---

One day I'm going to make a short movie about a boy who has social anxiety. I've got lots of ideas in my head, but not enough quite yet.
I want to show people how difficult it can be to talk. I joke around with my friends and with my classmates, and I talk fine when I'm around people I know.

It's just certain situations where I get slightly anxious and really nervous and quiet... I don't really feel like writing about it just now though...