I love the simplicity of life within its complexity. Carving out my own niche where I belong, where I fit.

My spiritual life has taken on a new life or just consistent or real.

It never ceases to amaze me the depths of faith in some people around me. How life introduces these individuals just when you're feeling somewhat alone.
Ultimately, we are responsible for our own souls. But paradoxically, when you're alive in the spirit, you become responsible to all those you meet.

It makes me smile. Sometimes I even laugh.

It feels damn good to be alive. To walk around knowing, just KNOWING, that your life matters.That you really do have the ability to touch all those you meet.

We all have it. But only some use it. How truly fascinating.

Last night, after D. and John left I just put on the music and -danced-. Danced for my soul. Danced for life. Danced for joy.
Danced because right then, in that moment, I got it. No matter what pain we carry, we can let it go and keep letting it go...

That's a choice we make. I need to remind myself of that everyday. It isn't always easy but no one ever said it would be...

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Every day I wake up and put on the armour of faith. Every day I walk down the street and look to see its beauty - life's true majesty.

Wondering what I can do to make it better, looking for ways to help. Letting my natural soul be.

I am becoming less and less afraid more and more at ease. I know the only struggles I'll face are the ones already within myself.

I am beautiful. I am mighty. I can do it. I will.

Not for my own glory, not to prove a thing but because God has loved me into life. Not simply living anymore but on fire.

Making a difference. Letting it all count. I wait to share that with someone. Someone meant for me.

All of life is a gift even in its struggle especially within its pain it teaches us who we really are who we can be...Take a closer look.

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Sometimes we're moving so fast that we forget to see. Every time I try to hold on tightly, I am taught to let go.

We really have no control.

All that we get to say is what's inside of us. All we get to do, become, witness, happens on an internal plane.

We really do create our own lives, but it's not done outwardly.

Sometimes I feel like smashing my head against a wall, or burying myself so deep beneath blankets and sheets. Sometimes I just want to jump up, grab my stuff, and leave.

But what would I be running from? Myself.

I don't like feeling this way but I don't get to control it. All I get to decide is how I handle it. What I learn from it. What I'll do next time when I'm faced with a similar situation.
Run from it? Hide? Or try again.


Try again.


If I lose faith now, then what would have been the point?

I remember who I used to be. I can go back there in my mind. But that's not who I am anymore. I've let her go.
I've made peace with what I've done. How can I expect anything different from anyone else?

Not everyone has the support, courage, or understanding I have been given. Unconditional love. Acceptance. Faith.

They all count for something. They all count for something great.

It's easy to point fingers and blame. It's easy to see people on the street in worse condition then we are and think, hey, they must deserve it.
They did it to themselves. They made their choices.

It takes a lot of something to love who you are. It takes a lot of something to face the world knowing that you can do anything.
It takes a lot of something to let it all go and become. And be. And keep being. It takes a lot of something to let others be as well...

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I went to Toronto on Saturday night to attend a concert. I had no idea what to expect and tried talking myself out of going a number of times.
But each time something would happen to make me get to the bus station on time, find the right subway stop, find the theater without a problem.
So I went. And I rocked out. And I cried. And I sang. And I danced! It was awesome!!!

And I did it all on my own, without knowing a soul. Yet somehow, I felt like I knew them all. I look forward to a day when someone else want to come with me.

One day. One fine day.

I worked my butt off all long weekend at the shelter. I don't know how to put it into words, but working there fills my spirit in ways no other occupation ever could.

Most days when I leave, I feel like I could run and touch the sky. It's a good feeling. But the feeling quickly fades. Like a dull burning, it's always there, but its intensity dies.

I wish I had someone to talk about my experiences with.

Fall is in the air and with that I am incredibly sick.

I think I've decided that when I finish my college next spring I am going to sell most of my stuff and travel the world. Maybe get a job teaching somewhere.
Maybe visit my brother in Australia. Who knows. I'm just going to go for a while. Be free. Settle issues around my heart and experience the world.

There's lots to see out there. Lots to feel. Lots to experience. I've decided not to be scared anymore. I've found what I need to be strong through my weaknesses.

Life is going to happen anyways... I don't want to miss a second of it. But for now, tea, movies, books, and getting over this stupid cold!!!

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I sat on my balcony with John, drinking tea and eating banana bread. We talked until two in the morning about life, love and politics.

We talked about spirituality, about the future. We looked at the clouds being highlighted by the moon and found pictures.

He stated it well when he said that "life is about connections, we're making some now."

He also told me that I am not the same 21 y o girl he met back in the day. That meant a lot to me. I don't know why. I just love our friendship. <3

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"There is light, even in the darkest of places"

I think it can also mean that when you're depressed, there is always a little glimmer of hope..

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My sister was talking about how she feels depressed looking at the world around her and if she's ever going to find the right person for herself .

Well, I just said that it's nothing to be worried about ...
You have other things to do in life. Inside me, I knew that I felt the same way.
I know how it makes you feel low and negative but I said that it's something which wasn't in our hands...

I can never seem to find the right boy for myself.. I always wonder when that day will come when I get to meet him. I don't know it just generates more and more thoughts...

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You talk about all these wonderful things, but in reality never allow them to become reality. Never taking the risk.

It's a gift to discover that what you think of and what you want can be accomplished with hard work and sacrifice. Faith.

It's a gift to discover that hard work and sacrifice are half the gift themselves.

You want something but you fail to recognize it within yourself. Your mind traps you.

Your spirit knows, but your mind blocks it with thoughts of worries and social priorities. I gotta do this before I should do that.

I must become this before I can have that. You can be responsible while still achieving your dream. It's happening all around you. Maybe just not inside of you.

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We do have the power to affect everyone around. Sometimes we fail. Often times we don't.

I think in many ways it's the simple things that make me happy. I can connect them together and make them count.

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Listening to: Nouvelle Vague - Sweet And Tender Hooligan

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I'll grind my teeth to dust before I let you see how much you've affected me. I'll burn holes with my eyes before you see how much you ripped me apart.

There are no more tears for you, your face won't meet these crying eyes. This is a perfect chance to give you one more glance, before I bury you.

I'll remember memories I thought I forgot, that's what you get for what you put me through.

I'm glad it's over. I know I'll regret you the rest of my life. It's like flying just to fall.

But now I hate every breath you take, and the way that I can't take the intensity of this hatred everyday when we collide. The intensity of hatred is you...

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Listening to: Nouvelle Vague - Dance With Me

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John

Lord knows I love that boy, who always makes me laugh, always listens to me, always makes me feel superior.
Not really but he's my oldest friend, one I can't imagine my life without. We met up and he handed me a grocery bag.

As usual it's in a plastic bag because he refuses to wrap things, which in a weird way I find endearing.

So I took it out of the bag and there's a folded piece of paper. I was damn touched because frankly, the boy has never written me anything.

So I was completely stunned for two reasons:

1) He had wrapped it in gold paper...way to break a tradition... 2) It was Chanel's perfume.

The guy who never rents any things and boasts about his manliness went out and bought the most popular perfume cos he knew it's one of my faves...

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"Sometimes I feel like the one who can't get out of the bowl and just gets put down the sink because there's no point in saving it."
Damn...That quote speaks to me like someone is standing beside me and talking to my face...

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People who judge are so much fun. And like my good friends say: "we all float on."

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If you clench your teeth so strongly, there appears the feeling that your teeth are bent.

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You are who you are... There's no sense in fighting it for the sake of others. Keep experiencing, and you'll keep learning.
If you can see the difference in yourself, then maybe in time others will as well. And if they can't, then it's not worth trying to force them to.

Everything in life, good or bad, is an experience. Take them for what they're worth. Don't dwell on the bad ones, and don't fret when the good ones are sparse.
You try new things, either on your own or sometimes with the help of others but with each new thing comes experience, and with each experience comes knowledge...

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Listening to: Nouvele Vague - In A Manner Of Speaking

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These 'individuals' are lucky enough to feel nothing, care for nothing, and most importantly fear nothing. Lately I've come to realize
Thats O.K to express how you feel, to be honest and not put up a front. Like we always rock the boat... That way you'll be able to handle it when the storm hits.

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About friendship


Due to the fact that I was forced to think about it a lot, I found myself questioning friendship and what it means.

A friend is someone that you have good times with. But that isn't enough. A good friend is someone you are able to talk to.

Not just talk about whatever is happening in the world or going on in the latest TV show, but you feel comfortable enough to talk to them about your feelings...

They may not understand how you're feeling, but they listen with a genuine ear. They accept the fact that you're not perfect but they wouldn't have you any other way.

Friendship is not something you negotiate or have to fight for...it just is.

I've also been forced to think about the type of friend I've been. I've realized where I've gone wrong, putting more emphasis on the good times
Rather than the personal connections.
Laying awake at night and questioning whether or not someone you consider a friend feels the same way about you is not a good feeling.

Friendship shouldn't be questioned, because even the smallest doubt leads to worrying...something we can all afford to live without.

It's weird but if I had to do it all over again I would because I saw myself for who I was and who I am.
Too much time was wasted with people who would never have loved me for who I was.
Too much time was wasted fighting the person I am. So let the good times keep coming, but let other things come more.

It's pulpy orange juice, folk nights and going to Billy Bob's. It's sitting at your kitchen table talking about life with your roommate.

It's feeling completely comfortable with the person sitting beside you and knowing that they care.

It's staying in and sitting on her living room couch while talking about thoughts and the thoughts that lead to those thoughts
While being completely high and attempting to explain it to others.