As I sit here thinking about my life I can't help going over the faces of those who have affected me the most this year.
Thats why I write it all, to let them know that they matter to me...

Lisa
You're a bitch sometimes but so am I. You know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. You make me special. I can't say that about anyone else. Love ya.

John
Our friendship is pure and I love you for that. Sometimes I wonder why you remain my friend because
I know you could take the world by storm if you ever wanted to. I find strength in knowing that I can count on you.


Daniel
Of all the new friends I've made with this year, you stick out the most. You make people laugh and never try to make them cry.
You're a good person with a huge heart, and I envy that. You will be great because you deserve it.


Matt
You still remain somewhat of a mystery to me but I always did enjoy a good book. Can't help but smile every time I see people playing cards.


Frank
Although you are my sister's boyfriend, we still remain friends and that's all that counts.


Lane
"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself,
But for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out" - Elizabeth Barrett Browning -

Mom
Thank you for the unconditional love u never fail to show me. Thank you for the support and encouragement you have always given. You're my biggest fan. Love u!!!

Les
There are no words that encompass how grateful I am to have you in my life. You're the one person I am not ashamed to cry in front of,
The one person who will never make me cry. Love you...


Steve, Dylan, Kate
If you think about it, siblings are among the first friends. And friends we will remain for the rest of our lives. Love you guys!!


Lisa's Mom, Carolyn
You have managed to raise a beautiful daughter and that is something to be proud of. Thank you for making me feel welcomed.
"Time flies when you have dementia" but no matter how fast the years go, I will always be thankful for having you in my life.


Alex Arthur and Jess Williamson
Although we've sort of lost touch, you still remain the only two girls from high school I still genuinely enjoy hanging out with! Love Love Love...

In no particular order:

Julia Buck, Stacey Teefy, Jess & Kaitlyn Ott, Dana, Amanda, Birgit, Ann, Sam, Grace, Ethan, Emily I wish I had friends like you. I miss u! Hang on!!!

@темы: reflections, thoughtfully

---

I've never tried to build up my life on something that is not real.

Why is basing on TV worse than basing on other people...People such as my parents and authority, society and peers. I always say I'm doing things for me...

It has become quite apparent to me over the last three months, that I hate to think of myself as a softy. As for the rest...

Don't worry about what I think of you until you realize how seldom I probably do...

---

I'm not perfect, I'm aware of my faults but I love them. Although you tend to point them out all the time I won't let you break me.

I'm who I am and I will never change for anyone except myself. However, I don't place myself higher or lower than people who do.

Let me figure it out on my own. There's a gap between what I want and what I do. A lot of it's uncertain but if everything was clear in life
then I'd have missed out on many of the experiences that have made me the person I am.

---

People will read this and think I'm crazy. Well I look at you and think the same thing.



One of my friends recently told me that she could never be like that. I understand her reasoning. I hope she doesn't think that, I doubt she does.

We are all different and have unique approaches to life. Mine just happens to be better. Deal with it...

---

I am who I am.


This is the type of person I choose to be and this is how I'll stay for the rest of my life. I am not out there lookin for love or plannin' my own wedding.

I don't dream of having children and having white fence in front of a gorgeous house. I live in the moment, I live each day doing exactly what I want to do.
Although I don't go out of my way to hurt people. Thats because I speak my mind and look after myself first doesn't make me arrogant. It makes me real.

I like to have fun with the barest of commitment. I don't want anyone to rely on me or expect anything from me. If you matter to me you will know it.

Keep it simple, keep it practical.

---

*****

There will be no 'I wish I had,' anything I want I will have.

There will be no 'what ifs,' because every risk there is I will take.

There will be no self-pity, because there's no necessity for it.

There will be no complaining about how things never go my way, because I'll make them.

There will be no confusion, because I'll listen to what I really want...

There will be no caring for people who don't care for me, because it's their loss.

There will be no trapped feeling, because I'll burn down the walls and people that make it.

There will be no hurt, because I'm better than that.

There will be no analyzing, because it really doesn't matter what people think of me.

I wont conform to the norm, because I was born to stand out.

I wont be good, because bad is better. I will live with passion, because without it there's no life.

I will survive, because I know I have the courage.

I will act as if it's impossible to fail.

I will be wild, because taming me is impossible.

I will be enviable, because I was meant to be.

I will...

@темы: because I will

---

Laugh and the world laughs with you...

I'm sick of waiting for change without doing anything... This is the end of everything, that is the beginning of everything else...

@темы: because,

---

There are times in life when everything can be lost in confusion and you don't know where you're heading...

There are times when you find yourself worrying and there are times you find yourself incredibly carefree...

Things may be going smoothly one day and annoyingly bad the next...

You can be feeling sorry for yourself as much as you can be feeling proud of what you've accomplished...
You may be happy, you may be sad, you may be pissed at life, you may be on cloud nine if only things could be made easier for you.
But then you find out that you're not alone... Someone else goes through exactly the same thought processes as you do,
and you no longer feel as though everything has to remain a secret. Ive already knew you knew and would understand.

There are no secrets because there can't be any secrets and then all you're left with is gratitude... It's a bond that can't be broken,
that won't be broken, that will testify to friendship... We don't know how it happened...but it did, and there is not a day
that goes by that I don't smile to myself and feel bad for everyone who doesn't have it... You know it, I know it..no one else has to...

When you look back on your life there are moments. Moments when you can clearly see when things changed.
Everything after that one moment is a different stage of your life. It isn't always evident at the time, but like those wise people say,
things happen for a reason.

I like those people...

Today I didn't have one of those moments. But I can feel one coming. Call it premonition, call it whatever...but I know it.
And it's going to be good. It's going to be grand. It's going to be great. It is possible to grow up without maturing.
She had some childish habits while keeping a level of immaturity. I'd like to think that's only natural.
Who wants to be around someone who always acts with a severe degree of maturity...

There will be many times when people will open their stupid mouths and tell you 'you can't do something'...

They try to break you and keep you broken... They make attempts to keep you down and hinder you from reaching the goal...
I don't care if it's your mom, your friend or an authority figure...

*****

If you want to do something,
If you want to be something,


If you want to experience something... Just do it! Put your anger and use it! Make sure you're going to do things for yourself, not because others expected...

@темы: addicted

---

Daniel


He's nice, he never goes out of his way to hurt or put down anyone else.

I don't consider him a friend, but certainly not an enemy either. He doesn't deserve what he gets. He can be a little weird at times.


We all are.


He has some "interesting" habits. At least he isn't afraid to have them.

He may not be what u like but not everyone likes u either. I am fully aware that I don't know him that well, and probably will never make the effort to.

But when he sees me in the hallway he smiles, and that's all that matters to me. He doesn't conform, and that's what makes him unique...among other reasons.

@темы: Daniel

---

I'm always willing to believe in people and trust that their intentions are good.

I'm just weak. I was brought up to believe in people.

I'm always willing to give a second chance if they deserve it... Sometimes I wonder what will happen to me when I'm older... I still can't find an answer...

---

Everyone likes to think that they're living for someone else. But truth is, we're all just living for ourselves.

We're looking for a chance to stab each other in the back...

---

I thought we had to live life to the fullest. Recent events make me think otherwise.

Because of these thoughts, I've decided to only have faith in what I see with my own eyes, feel with my own heart,
And prove with my own strength. That's the only way I can protect myself from the inevitable heartbreaks that come to me every time...

@темы: compulsive thoughts,

---

First and foremost, I am still under the influence. It's also taken a turn for the worst.
Don't get me wrong but gosh, if you're going to broadcast a religious television program, make sure the audience is aware of it.

@темы: flicks, my attitude

---

My best friends are in the hospital. They had a car accident. I was scared when I heard about... At first, we thought Sam might be paralyzed.

She's not, thanks God, but there's a chance that she might never walk on her own again...
Sis told me she might walk without the assistance of braces in the next 18 months...

Grace is fine, Ethan needed thirteen stitches in one arm and Emily broke her collarbone. Why are their injuries so mild compared to Sam's??

Do you know what was the reason of fractured and why they had to insert a metal disk into Sam's lower back...
'Cause they were wearing those stupid seat belts, and she wasn't, that's why!!!

Granted, the car that nicked their bumper sending them spiraling and flipping off into a ravine was driving on the wrong side of the road...
It's amazing, the mind is capable off, the self-deception and sheer ignorance at what is going on right under your own nose...

Especially when you just drive off like nothing happened...

@темы: friends, hospital, car accident, Sam, Grace, Ethan, Emily, stupid car drivers

---

I had a weird dream last night.

There were flashing lights all around and I kept hearing an old man laughing almost maniacally. Then, it got even weirder.
It just suddenly stopped, like my mind went blank. All the houses were made of stone and brick and all the fences were made of metal.

Anyway, I saw this old man...

He was smoking a cigarette and leaning against the church. In the hand that wasn't occupied by a cancer stick, He was clutching a little girl by her forearm.
And he... he started burning her with the end of his cigarette! She was writhing and screaming at him to stop.
When that didn't work she started apologizing and telling him that she'd be a good girl and...I'm sort of glad that I couldn't hear her screams though...

@темы: nightmare, violence, frightened

---

My mom is angry at me again. I don't know what her problem is...

She started yelling at me when I was trying to help her. Someone set her off earlier and She took it out on me because she misheard like she always does...

I started apologizing and explaining but she wouldn't listen. If only parents could listen...

---

I hate when guys try to pick me up. More frequent looks and smiles and support honks from the car...

I'd felt better, if they found me attractive indeed.

I hate this low self esteem if only I could get rid of it, then life would be just perfect. I bet even if I had a high self-esteem there would be something else...

@темы: compulsive thoughts,

---

How many brothers do you have?


Well mine is totally abnormal guess you could call him a nerd. He is extremely smart and makes me feel overly stupid even though he's 11 years older.

Like yesterday right we were eating dinner and he started to talk about the weather and why it's so cold and I just couldn't understand
WTF he was talkin' about so I was like "what?" then he goes "oh, you wouldn't get it"...

Then my mum goes "don't worry deary, he doesn't know about what fashions are 'in' at the moment, you do"...

It must sound like I'm jealous of him, yea I guess I am, but not a lot, I wouldn't want his brains or his attitude...
Because that's the one thing that makes him a loner... Maybe being a loner makes you stronger who knows...

@темы: my daily life, my family

---

14th aka the 4th day of my half term! I love being on half term, there's so much more to do.



Mom found my previous diary and I am actually starting to wonder how long she will keep it up for, I know thats harsh to say that
But any normal person would think it.



I'm kinda nervous, I've gotten counseling session this week.
I'll see these people who are gonna decide what kind of counseling I need. I'm scared of what they will say...

@темы: Uni, counseling session

---

These two feedbacks are like night and day. I don't think I need to tell you which one represents day.

You've lost "control" over the situation. It was over.

You said it was over and I'd agree. I'm glad that it's over, it was torture, you know. Have you gotten the guts to stick your decision? Cos we both knew you couldn't...

@темы: Dylan, dramatic times