It's all about her

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20:18 



I wish someone I cared about was in love with me. I think that would be a nice feeling.

I just haven't found anyone yet and probably won't for a while. This is my last year before the graduation, what am I supposed to expect??

20:11 

I'm going to put the mark on my calendar even though I didn't cry today... I'm in a really bad mindset, so I think it counts...

20:10 

I hate my appearance because I hate my shell. I hate the way people judge me because of how I look.
I don't look anything close to how I feel. I feel important but at the same time I feel worthless. I don't know what to do with myself...

20:08 

I was going to count Saturday because I woke up feeling like complete shit and felt like complete shit for a large part of the day,
But I felt a lot better in the evening. I think it was mostly just aftermath from Friday night (which I definitely did mark on my calendar).

20:03 

Is it depression?

I tell myself I don't think so even though I do think so but I have to edit my thoughts so they're right even though I think it feels wrong.

20:03 

I wish I was strong enough to starve myself but I'm not.
I lose focus and I eat because I'm bored and hungry and forget why I don't want to eat in the first place.

18:35 

When I try to talk to people about my feelings, they think they're so much better than me, that I'm inferior to them because of these feelings and thoughts I get...

18:31 

When I'm in a good mood I get all these ideas and make all these plans. I only realize how stupid they are once I'm in a bad mood.
I have to realize that these moods can come at anytime. I should stop making plans and assume I'll be in a bad mood that day.
I should let other people make plans. When the time comes, I can see how I'm feeling and if I'm willing or not. Things are better this way.

00:49 

00:47 

I wish I could be something more than I am. I feel important but know I'm insignificant. I feel insignificant but know I'm important.

No. I don't know I'm important. I feel insignificant and know I SHOULD feel I'm important. But I don't. Not really.

I'm all over the place tonight. I wish it was darker out. Then it'd be easier to feel like this all the time instead of just when I come home.

I feel slightly angry but I don't want to be. Anger never gets me anywhere except in worse situations...

I feel like I should be doing something more than just sitting in my room on my computer. If I wasn't doing this I'd be lying on the floor.

22:16 

I smile as much as I can. I forgive myself as much as I forgive people around.

22:14 

Today is better than yesterday. It's better than the past couple of days have been (minus Saturday evening).

Still, it wasn't a great day or anything, but I didn't think about bad things today.
I even worked on homework when I got home, which I consider a great achievement. It's so difficult for me to start homework at home.

I may have lied about "not thinking about bad thoughts". I mean, I wasn't really thinking about it, but...
I had this dark feeling in my heart that would come and go throughout the day. Never fully consuming, just...sitting on the edges, like it's waiting for something.

21:22 

I don't want a big career, but I think I do need some sort of structure in my life.

I need to work for something I believe in, which is really difficult since I've had no idea what I believe in except for the things I know I don't believe in.

If that makes any sense at all. I just want to feel something... Something all-consuming. Something that will fill up all this emptiness inside of me...

21:15 

I just looked up wolves. I used to have these terrible nightmares as a child that I was being chased by wolves.

I'm thinking now that it might reflect my fear of anger, in myself and others. Even now, whenever I hear arguing in my house I go to my room,
Close the door and sit on the floor somewhere. If it gets really bad I might start crying.

I don't know why it freaks me out so much; It just does. I've always had a terrible relationship with anger.
Probably because my sister used to get so angry at me all the time. No. I'm not going to write about that. I've written about that way too many times.

I don't really have anything else to write about so I'll just stop.
I'll try to keep writing as often as I can. Just keep going from day to day. Get past all these...I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying so I'll stop now.

19:34 

Listening to: Nouvelle Vague - Sweet And Tender Hooligan

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19:31 

I don't understand how everyone can be so blind. She thought that my "thoughts" were of the bad things happening in this world,
Like famines and wars and such. I didn't know how to tell her it wasn't like that at all, so I just said yes.

Of course there are famines and wars and all those bad things. Stuff like that is bound to happen. Life isn't perfect.
All we can do in those times is try to survive and help others and do our best to get through it.

I understand the bad things that happen in this world and our need for it. I understand it completely. She was so, so wrong.

It's not the things that happen to the world that I hate. It's the world itself.

Even she can't see it. No one can. No, that's wrong. I'm sure there are people who can see it other than myself; I'm nothing special.
It just feels like I'm the only one because no one I know in person can see it as well.

The way the world is...it's so WRONG. It's not supposed to be like this, it was never supposed to be like this...
But something in the past went horribly wrong and messed everything up and suddenly...here we are.

All these cars and machines killing the earth, all these magazines and people telling us how we're supposed to look,
Business and the economy in general...it's all wrong. We've become so wrong.

Humans are no longer humans. We are empty shells that we're forced to paint and disfigure so we have a minuscule chance of being loved.
We are money. We are simple sheets of paper that mean more than our lives, than the world, than anything else.
We are killing machines. We destroy each other and our only home for entertainment because of the boredom that plagues us all.

I am so disgusted by everything. No. Not disgusted. That is an angry word and I am not angry. I don't get angry. That's a lie.

Of course I get angry, everyone gets angry. I just inadvertently turn my anger into sadness is all. So I'm sad. I'm really really sad...

19:24 

No wonder so many people in the world are depressed. How on earth can they be happy in a world like this? Only if you're blind to it.

I quote the Beatles, "Living is easy with eyes closed misunderstanding all you see."

Even though I like who I am more this way...sometimes I wish I could be blind too.

Sometimes I wish I could be normal and see what everyone else sees. Sometimes I wish I believed the world was...is...the way it's supposed to be.

But it's not. It's really not. It's all so wrong. I wish I was far away from here.

This is why I can't talk about my "sadness". I don't know how to put all these thoughts and things I see into words. I don't know how to describe it properly.
When I try to my nerves are turned on high and my heart races and I forget absolutely everything.
I become awkward and shy and I just agree with whatever they say and guess about me because I have no idea how to tell them otherwise...
I don't feel comfortable enough to. How on earth am I supposed to feel comfortable?

It sounds so easy, doesn't it? All I have to do is let the words fall out of my mouth. That's all. But it's not easy. It's really, really not.
The words disappear and are replaced with incoherent mumbles.

I wish I had a way to express everything but I don't. I'm barely decent at writing. I can't draw to save my life.
I'd make movies if I could but I don't have the resources or talent or anything. I can't sing anymore, I sang though...

I don't have a way of getting all of this out of me in a way that other people could understand.
There's no way I could show this to anyone even though I desperately want to. I just don't want to be alone anymore.
Thinking about all of this makes me feel so incredibly lonely.

I wish I could meet someone who sees things the way I do.

It's not all sad though. There's beauty in the world, of course. Little bits of human nature that are still intact.
Kindness. I love seeing kindness. Art, meaningful music, all that...it can be really quite beautiful...
The natural world... Trees, grass, fields, the sun, the sky, the stars, and everything beyond. It's mesmerizing.

If we'd stop ruining all of it then it'd be even better.

I hate myself because inside of me is everything that's wrong with the world, with human nature...
Selfishness, greed, cruelty...it's in there even though I don't want it to be, even though I try my hardest to push it all away.
It's there whether I want it to be or not. I hate myself for it, and I probably always will.

I don't know why but everything feels easier in the dark.
It's easier to close my eyes, it's easier to sleep, it's easier to think, to dream, to live, to everything...

Part of me feels like I'm better than everyone else which is the stupidest thing ever. Part of me feels like I'm so inferior to everyone.
I feel so small and tiny compare to the rest of the world. My height definitely doesn't help with that.

I feel like I'm completely worthless, and yet...I feel like I'm different from everyone else. In a way I feel like I can see things that others can't,
Even though I know that's wrong. My mind knows it's wrong; I just can't help how I feel. It's annoying.

I wish I just felt one way or the other. All these opposite feelings at once are so conflicting.

I wish it was Spring already. I hate Autumn. I really do. Everything is too bright out and I hate wearing raincoats, fur coats, and so on..

I need a job. I don't know where I want to work though. Everything seems so...I don't know. I was going to say "stupid" but that's not true.
It's all just....meaningless? I don't know if that's the right word either.

I'm so lonely. I hate this.

I don't know if I should count this as a "bad day" on my calendar or not. I've been attempting to keep track of bad days on my calendar.
I just put a mark when I have one. I've been having an awful lot lately, but whatever.

I'm not really depressed or super upset or crying or any of that. I'm just...Unhappy a tiny bit. If things get worse later then I'll put a mark, otherwise I think I won't.

18:32 

I miss being around people. I miss my friends. I miss Lane, Kate, Matt, Amy, Lisa, Frank... Daniel...

I know he's been super busy, plus there was a tiny bit of drama, but I hope it'll be fine tomorrow. I just miss him so much.
I don't care if he's mad at me or if I'm still mad at him or anything. I just want to be friends with him again. I just want to see him again.
We were so close last year and it felt like none of that mattered, but it does, it really does; to me, anyways.

I hope some new people come to the uni as well. I really want to make some new friends. I mean, there's nothing wrong with the old ones, not at all.
I just want to get to know new people. I'd like to have more guy friends, cos most of my friends are girls.

I'd really like to get a boyfriend. I'll be honest, I'm lonely as hell. High school is about making memories and mistakes and everything.

I want to have more of those experiences before I completely miss the chance. This is my last year to do anything. Really, I just want to have a great year.

I'm planning on wearing makeup tomorrow, which I haven't done all year. It'll be way different from what I used to wear (dark eyeshadow and eyeliner).
I'm going for a more natural look now.

I'm a lot different than I used to be. I dress a lot different. I used to wear skinny jeans and t-shirts and all black. Now...I don't really know what my style is now.
Nice things, if that makes sense. I don't know. It'll be easier to figure out my style once it's not Summer anymore and I don't have to wear shorts all the time.

I'm going to try my hardest to be better this year. I'm going to try to figure out a way to deal with my sadness. Every time it comes it's like a tidal wave.
It pulls me under and drowns me. It feels like the whole world is crashing around me.

I have to find a way to figure out that it's not. I have to find a way to be able to tell myself that when I'm feeling that way. But I'll figure it out, eventually.

I hope I find someone to like this year. Even if we don't date, I just want to like someone. I miss feeling something for someone else.

I wish I was beautiful.

Tomorrow, I will pretend that I'm beautiful. I will pretend that I look decent and people will notice me and I'll be okay with myself.

It'll last a few days before reality comes crashing down and I get sad for a couple more days. After that, things should even themselves out and it'll go back to a normal pace.

18:31 

I wish I could drown in myself. It was stupid of me to think that talking to someone would help...

It won't. It will just make things worse.

I'll get awkward and shy and terrible again and I'll run away and it'll just go back to the way things were before but slightly more complicated.

It wasn't meant to happen. It's not meant to happen. It's not the way things are supposed to be. It isn't and never will be.

Everything comes and goes. That's how life is. I shouldn't try to stop it. I shouldn't try to stop anything. It would be stupid.

I know I should get a job. My parents want me to get a job. I just don't know where I'd like to work. I'm not motivated for anything at all. I don't want to work anywhere.

I just so tired. I want to get away from everything. It's all too much for me. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with any of this and I don't know how to explain it...
I don't know how to tell anyone about this. When I try to talk about it none of the right words come out. It turns into something it's not. It turns into someone else.

It's not me. That's why I can't get help. That's why I can't talk about this. The right words won't come out.

It might sound like I'm angry but I promise I'm not. I'm just tired and sad. Really sad. I feel stupid. I don't think I am but I feel it anyways.

I feel stupid cos I assume other people think I'm stupid, everybody thinks I'm stupid for feeling like this, for always feeling like this. Wrong wrong wrong... I feel so wrong all the time.

18:10 

I am so proud of myself right, cos I did my first day at college and yea I didn't sleep at all the night before I was so scared on the day and everything but I got through..
I'm nervous for the first week but I'm gonna face it head first..

The only thing is at the moment is I'm a bit lonely, I mean I don't really know anyone apart from S and some of my other friends there,
but seeing as that is about 10 people out of 1,000.. All jokes aside, this makes me so scared and all though I've never had trouble making friends before this feels different..

I guess only time will tell, but I don't want to be a loner.. I hate being on my own, it feels horrible, I don't know how some people do it..
I mean sure I like my own company some times but when I'm at college or out shopping, I like being with people you know..

Strength in numbers I guess..I feel more at ease when I'm with people..

*****

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